Liam
by alien15
Summary: AU. Colonel Fitzwilliam is bisexual and grappling with unrequited love. This is the story of his road to HEA. :)


_**Hello! This is a product of my overactive imagination and a bit of free time in the middle of a hectic schedule. If there are any historical inaccuracies, I apologize in advance. I hope you enjoy it. Constructive criticism is always welcome!:)**_

* * *

Richard Fitzwilliam is twenty-two years old. After a day of laughter and merriment on the occasion of his cousin's seventeenth birthday, he is tired but too restless to just go to sleep and decides that a game of chess will help enormously. He wonders if Liam would like to play. It is still before midnight and while he knows he will not wake his cousin up if he is asleep, he wants to know for sure. If he is awake, they can be awake together.

The door to his cousin's room swings open noiselessly and he lets himself in, quiet as a cat. For a moment, the world around him disappears. He is not prepared for what he sees. Liam is naked on the bed, his skin glowing in the moonlight. His eyes are closed, those long lashes flirting with his cheekbones. One hand tugs at his manhood while the other plays with his nipples, occasionally moving south to stimulate his balls. Richard stands there frozen, hidden in the shadows, unable to tear his eyes away. The rational part of his brain is trying to tell him to leave before he is caught but his heart is beating furiously and he can no longer think.

Liam's head is thrown back exposing the pristine column of his throat and he is biting his lips to suppress any sounds. Richard watches as his back arches off the bed and he spills himself on his hand and stomach, his legs trembling with the force of his orgasm. He can't help his gasp and that stirs him from his stupor. He exits as he entered ― undetected. The last five minutes feel like a lifetime.

It is only when he is back in his bed that he becomes cognizant of his own arousal. He tries to steady his breathing and rid himself of this unnatural, shameful desire. He can't. Giving in, he takes himself in hand to find relief. Despite his efforts to meditate on the bountiful bosom of that pretty serving girl he had a dalliance with, his mind creates lewd scenes of Liam's hands and mouth pleasuring him. As he reaches completion, he comprehends for the first time why people call it a little death.

Richard tells himself that tonight was an aberration. He had been taken by surprise and tomorrow he would laugh at himself. Nothing will have changed. He is proven wrong when he enters the stables next morning and finds Liam in just shirtsleeves and breeches, saddling a horse. He doesn't hear what Liam is saying and is startled to find himself hugged. While his cousin rambles on about how touched he was by his gift, all Richard can focus on is the heat of his body and the way his breath tickles his ear. He feels himself getting hard and moves away quickly. He sees Liam frown at him out of the corner of his eye and replies positively when asked if he was alright. Then he flees from there as if running for his life.

Richard is aware of Liam in a way he never was before. He goes so far as to find innocuous reasons to touch him and it leaves him exhilarated. Everything that had had been so innocent and normal just a few days ago now takes his breath away. He knows it is a sin to think of a man, his own cousin, this way. Every salacious thought brings him disgust and desire in equal measure but he doesn't know how to put an end to it. He can't help himself.

Over the next few weeks, life doesn't get any easier. Liam calls him Richie, smiles at him every time their paths cross and massages his back and legs when he gives soreness due to excessive riding as an excuse to retire early. Before that night, such things had been usual. Liam is naturally very affectionate and Richard had been grateful for it. Now it feels like torture.

The next time Liam puts his arm around his shoulders, Richard pushes him away and tells him to stop behaving like a fucking molly. He can tell Liam is hurt. That evening, when the others are on the terrace, enjoying the summer breeze, he finds him holed up in the library and apologizes profusely inventing a story of being broken heartbroken by the engagement of a friend's sister. Liam, sweet Liam, forgives him instantly but Richard knows that he cannot stay at Pemberley anymore.

The next morning he tells everybody that he has received orders and he must leave for London immediately. As he rides away, he knows he has left a part of him behind and there is nothing he can do about it.

* * *

Over the next five years, their contact is limited to letters. He is aware of the distance that has grown between them and when Richard can no longer recall the exact colour of Liam's eyes, he believes that he has vanquished his mad, impulsive, irrational infatuation. That he keeps each and every letter from his cousin in a small trunk and re-reads them a thousand times is attributed to homesickness and brotherly affection for his cousin. Therefore, when he receives news of his uncle's death, he feels no compunction in obtaining leave and hurrying to Pemberley.

The first thing Richard notices when he finally meets Liam is how beautiful his eyes are and all at once the old feelings, so carefully repressed, come swirling back. However, he is no green youth and the army has taught him to master his emotions. He inclines his head in what he hopes is a dignified manner and calls him Darcy. He can see that his cousin is surprised at the formality even though he had always addressed him as Darcy in their correspondence. That he has always been Liam in his most private thoughts is of no consequence. But the momentary astonishment is quickly masked and he, too, inclines his head in an equally, if not more, dignified manner and calls him Cousin. Richard searches his face for hints of his thoughts and emotions but is unable to read him and marvels at his inscrutable countenance.

The will is read the day after the funeral and pronounces him and Liam as little Georgiana's guardians. Catching Liam's eye, Richard smiles at him and perceives a softening in his cousin's demeanour and a slight curl of the corner of his mouth. His heart skips a beat and he knows he is in even more danger than he had been five years ago.

Richard refuses to be a negligent guardian and spending time with his ward necessitates frequently being in company with her brother. Slowly and surely they recapture their former closeness. Though happy to have their friendship restored, he refuses to call his cousin anything but Darcy. The one time his cousin calls him Richie, he tells him nicknames are for children and they ought to behave like grown men. If he calls out for Liam in the privacy of his bedroom, that his business alone.

When Georgiana almost elopes, Richard holds him close and lets him cry. He knows that he will probably never love anybody the way he has loved this man and even though his heart breaks to see his cousin so grieved, he feels at peace for having accepted, finally, that which he has no power to change. That night, after putting his cousin to bed, he whispers Liam's name over and over like a prayer for redemption as he falls over the edge.

* * *

When he hears of Liam's impending nuptials with Miss Elizabeth Bennet, he is determined to be happy for his cousin and ignores the twinge of envy and loss that he feels. When he is asked to stand up with Darcy he has tears in his eyes and he doesn't know whether they are due to joy or grief.

On the first Christmas after their wedding, he comes upon them kissing under mistletoe and hears Mrs. Darcy gasp "Oh Liam!" in breathless anticipation. He rushes to his room, unnoticed, and cries his heart out. It is the first time he allows himself to mourn for that which is not meant to be, finally acknowledging that he had no right to any part of Fitzwilliam Darcy and pretending that Liam belonged to him was the height of delusion. He knows he must let go of the futile notions of 'what-ifs' that he has jealously held on to for so many years. It is terrifying. Loving Liam has become a part of his identity and he doesn't know how not to love him.

The next few months are the most turbulent of his life. Everybody notices his disquiet but nobody guesses at the reason. He burns all the letters and throws himself into London society. When he is asked to be godfather to Darcy's firstborn son, he is able to hug his cousin without flinching and ruffle his hair as he used to when they were little. He is surprised when Darcy calls him Dicky in retaliation. He had forgotten Darcy used to call him that when he was sufficiently annoyed. Just like that, he bursts into laughter, feeling happier and lighter than he has in a long time.

Slowly but steadily, Liam is relegated to the past and he finds that observing his cousin's happiness helps immensely with that endeavour. Three years later, he meets Lady Emma Ashton at his mother's ball. Her blue eyes do not cause him pain for their similarity to Liam's. Instead, he finds them enchanting. They dance and flirt outrageously and nobody is surprised when he proposes within three months of first meeting her.

Darcy stands up with him at his wedding and as he vows before God to forsake all others for her, he knows he will be able to keep that promise in its truest sense. When Darcy holds out his hand in congratulations, Richard pulls him into an embrace. He feels a rush of brotherly affection when Darcy whispers in his ear, "I love you, Richie", and he replies in a half-choked voice, "I love you too, Liam". They separate, misty eyed. Richard clasps his wife's hand and in her eyes he sees visions of dreams come true. With a free heart, he takes the first step towards the rest of his life.

* * *

_**NOTE: This work does not deal with Richard discovering he is bisexual for the first time. At this point he is already aware of it. Therefore, he is able to accept that he has such feelings towards Darcy relatively easily. Darcy, on the other hand, i**__**s not attracted to men. Again, due to their close relationship, Richard is already aware of this. **__**My focus is more on how despite knowing of the futility of his affections, Richard is unable to let go until he must and the major turning points of that journey. :)**_


End file.
